My Crazy Cool Messenger V

School has begun, returning me to the grind of lazily translating Korean messages (CTRL+CV Style).  While most do not concern me, many messages nonetheless tickle my funny bone.

Note:  This edition gets a bit raunchy.  Reader discretion is advised.

Teachers should avoid physical contact with students (regardless of whether they are intentional or heterosexual)

Intentional or heterosexual?  I’ve really fallen behind on gender discourse if these two terms are now opposite.

“I don’t understand.  Are you male or female?”

“I am neither. I am intentional.”

Teachers should refrain from engaging in sexual acts with students and fellow teachers (pretty, slim, etc.)

And please do not swear or punish.

There was a lot of sexual harassment-themed messages during one difficult month.  With the parentheses, it suggests that pretty and slim teachers are off-limits while overweight teachers should go to town.

Also, I need to stop saying *&^# and @#*&! in class.  That is too bad.  These words will be missed.

A good time has come to live really pleasant.

Please keep your health and happiness day by day.

Finally a dose of positivity.  We could all stand to keep our health and happiness day-by-day.  Someone once told me that health and wellness are not owned.  They are rented.  Are you willing to pay the rent?

[Contest] Prevention of Abortion UCC and 6th Rally

I have posted related documents. We will also send you relevant attachments.

I guess that’s one way to frame a pro-life stance.

“No, I’m not anti-abortion.  I’m just pro-abortion prevention.”

I am also pro-cake and pro-bear – especially when they are together.

The personnel records will be refined only during the refinement period, so please confirm it so that it will be refined in the fixed period.

I love the tedious repetition of Google Translate.  These redundant redundancies tickle my English brain.  

So remember to refine your records only during the refinement period.

And teachers should only teach during designated teaching periods.

Call a student at 8:44 pm to say “I have to call my parents immediately because there are many punishment points” because of slippers, clothes, and perceptions.

What an oddly specific time and strange request.

“Hello?  Min-ho?  Yes, this is Ian Teacher.  I will now call my parents immediately…No my slippers and clothes are fine.  It’s my perceptions that led to so many punishment points…Yeah, trust me I’m just as upset as you are.

* (6) Please be careful not to have sex with female students at school. Please lead.

* (7) Please make sure that unhealthy sexual orientation is a serious violation of rules.

Number 6 makes hooking up with students sound like some kind of accident.  Like leaving the stove on or stepping into a puddle.  I also find it strange that this doesn’t include male students as well.

As for number 7, what kind of twisted rule book do we have?  And what exactly is an unhealthy sexual orientation?  Does it involve female students as well?

Simply put – don’t do this at school.  On the other hand, it’s refreshing to see English vandalism here in Korea.

People in muddy weather became more quiet.

Grow up.

His sperm does not feel cold.

Do not hurt.

force in the heart

Happy Halloween.

I didn’t realize teachers enjoy writing poetry during that time of year.  It must be a Korean Halloween tradition.

Based on the third line, I assume this speaks to men outgrowing their fatherly instincts.  The warming of the sperm is akin to a sperm bank thawing one’s seed.

– If you have any of the following students who are not good at their daily life, please reply. I will reflect your opinions.

– I would appreciate if you do not give a store to a student who requests a store first.

– Defective students must see! Please deduct it with the penalty points offset.

I feel like many of my students are pretty good in their daily life.  I mean no one died yet, so they must be succeeding somehow.

And I feel it’s a bit harsh to call students “defective.”  Students are not microwaves that you can return if they don’t warm your food.  Students have no warranty.  They’re people.  People have flaws, but that’s okay.

Just be the best version of your weird self.

For a healthy life

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
2. Occasional hand washing

Occasional hand washing!  I wish more teachers committed to this.  Hell, I’d settle for rare handwashing.  Also, from experience, I have to say that 8 glasses of water is not enough.  It really depends on the individual.

The test is over and now it is time to finish the school year.

I am sorry to tell you again about the vivisection,

Please pay close attention to all students to help create a bio-animation.

Vivisection means an animal dissection.  So I too am sorry for all the mutilated dead frogs that sacrificed their lives so students could create a bio-animation (which I assume is like claymation but with animal corpses).

Let’s have a moment of silence.

Please enter the after-school education activities (2 semesters) at the time of entering the detailed details of the curriculum.

1) Subjects have been opened: Grades – Sexual treatment – Details of special skills and special items (subject teachers)

Nope.  I read the rules.  “No physically touching students”, “no sex with female students”, and “no sexual acts between students or other teachers”.  Therefore, I hardly see the legality in using “sexual treatment” for grades.

Unless teachers use “sexual treatment” as a punishment for “unhealthy sexual orientations?”

It informs in the gut.

Forgive me for being late.

Year 2018 is the yearly activity time.

Note, please…

This sounds like a poem about pooping.  The message is saying, “Sorry I am late.  My gut informed me that I had to poop very bad.  2018 will be a year of pooping activities.”

This is a lot of cuteness and smiling for people who seem to be in serious physical pain.

It’s the first time it’s going to be, so it’s hard to keep it awkward and smooth.

Keep it awkward and smooth?  What a jarring opposition of adjectives.  If I ever met someone who was both awkward and smooth, I would give them a Youtube channel and make several hundreds of dollars.  If this character trait combo is real, I would love to see it.

Eating time to enjoy yourself .. I want to give my attention to teachers as much as possible ~ ~ ^ ^

Everyone is going to fight today!

I love this translation of the Konglish word “fighting.”

Koreans use the word “fighting” to encourage each other.  It’s akin to “you can do it” or “don’t give up.”

Instead, this message suggests a Teacher Royal Rumble or a Teacher King of the Ring.  I probably wouldn’t win.  I’m sure some teachers took Taekwondo as children.

I am not a fighter.  I am an astronaut.


2 thoughts on “My Crazy Cool Messenger V

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